An Apple a Day - Using negotiation to motivate children

How do we motivate defiant children without nagging, yelling, and screaming? Last time we discussed using a kitchen timer as a challenge. Here is another idea:

Negotiate – 

Sometimes I motivate my children with negotiation. They need to earn their privileges, not just be handed everything. Children’s chores and studying need to be done before using electronics, TV, or playing. They need to be respectful to us parents, too. They need to learn gratitude for the treats, privileges, and activities they receive, too.

               There are certain chores that my children do just because they are part of the family and need to contribute to its success, to keep it functioning properly, and to appreciate their bed and food and care. For us, these include cleaning their rooms, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, helping with laundry, etc.

               There are other chores that my children can do to earn money, to learn the value of work. For us, these include mowing the grass, washing windows, Spring cleaning chores, shoveling the snow, etc.

               I have a son who will only cooperate at times if he gets something extra from it. So I negotiate for extra TV or game time if he finishes writing his essay in a timely manner. He wants to be paid a privilege for every little requirement, but I tell him that some things are not negotiable, that he needs to do them just because, and shouldn’t need to be paid. We compromise on some things and not on others. If he is being especially defiant, I might give him an extra incentive to go do simple things.

               People say that we shouldn’t bribe children to do what’s right. Well, negotiation is not a bribe. A bribe is paying someone to do something illegal or immoral. However, we all respond to a reward system. Getting a paycheck is a reward for going to work. Rewarding children is not a bribe.

However, negotiation is not meant to spoil a child, give him or her something harmful – like a lot of candy – just because of a tantrum, or anything and everything s/he wants. That is not what a reward system or negotiation is for. In fact, if my child throws a tantrum, he or she definitely does NOT get his or her way. Sometimes a parent just has to say, “NO!” and stick to it. Be wise. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Choose your battles wisely, but don't always concede.  Be consistent, whatever you do.

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