An Apple a Day - One way to negotiate with your child

Poker Chips – 

               One of the tools I use for negotiation is plastic, red poker chips. One of my sons has defiance disorder (but this works for all children). He has very little self-control over his anger and will say and do inappropriate things when his expectations are not met in his way. Poker chips have helped him curb his outbursts and control his reactions.

               We have a jar that starts off empty each day. He gets 2 poker chips put in his jar just for waking up each day. He is a person of value, regardless of his behavior, so he starts fresh with 2 chips. Throughout the day, he can earn a chip for each of his school subjects that he completes. He has 5 core subjects, so he can earn 5 more chips for 7 total.

He uses these chips to pay for privileges, which cost 2 chips each, such as playing an hour of video games, watching an hour of TV, playing on the computer for an hour, or using the cell phone for an hour. He can only “afford” 3 of the activities, so he has to choose his priorities.

Yes, there is a chip left over. It is insurance because if he swears at mom or dad in a fit of rage, he loses a chip. If he refuses to do his work or screams at us, he loses a chip. If he loses too many chips, he can no longer afford as many privileges. We try to pick our battles and not have a power struggle over every argument. We try to give him the benefit of the doubt, not take away all his chips (it would be easy to do, some days), and not back him into a corner, emotionally.

But we have noticed that with this motivation – to have to earn his privileges – he has more self-control and can calm himself down and respond better. Negotiation with poker chips helps him overcome his rage and feel better about himself. He also appreciates his blessings more if he has to earn them.

And it helps him understand the Law of the Harvest, that we reap what we sow. It helps us battle his feelings of entitlement, that he should always get his way no matter what. Control issues and entitlement are a common problem for bipolar children, children of rage (defiance disorder), and some Aspergers/autistic children.

The poker chips help us remove our own frustration and anger from the equation, too. Our son can see, by the chips in his jar, what he has earned. We can keep our emotions out of it. It is a visual point system that works for us.

http://thegodfreymethod.com

An Apple a Day - Using negotiation to motivate children

How do we motivate defiant children without nagging, yelling, and screaming? Last time we discussed using a kitchen timer as a challenge. Here is another idea:

Negotiate – 

Sometimes I motivate my children with negotiation. They need to earn their privileges, not just be handed everything. Children’s chores and studying need to be done before using electronics, TV, or playing. They need to be respectful to us parents, too. They need to learn gratitude for the treats, privileges, and activities they receive, too.

               There are certain chores that my children do just because they are part of the family and need to contribute to its success, to keep it functioning properly, and to appreciate their bed and food and care. For us, these include cleaning their rooms, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, helping with laundry, etc.

               There are other chores that my children can do to earn money, to learn the value of work. For us, these include mowing the grass, washing windows, Spring cleaning chores, shoveling the snow, etc.

               I have a son who will only cooperate at times if he gets something extra from it. So I negotiate for extra TV or game time if he finishes writing his essay in a timely manner. He wants to be paid a privilege for every little requirement, but I tell him that some things are not negotiable, that he needs to do them just because, and shouldn’t need to be paid. We compromise on some things and not on others. If he is being especially defiant, I might give him an extra incentive to go do simple things.

               People say that we shouldn’t bribe children to do what’s right. Well, negotiation is not a bribe. A bribe is paying someone to do something illegal or immoral. However, we all respond to a reward system. Getting a paycheck is a reward for going to work. Rewarding children is not a bribe.

However, negotiation is not meant to spoil a child, give him or her something harmful – like a lot of candy – just because of a tantrum, or anything and everything s/he wants. That is not what a reward system or negotiation is for. In fact, if my child throws a tantrum, he or she definitely does NOT get his or her way. Sometimes a parent just has to say, “NO!” and stick to it. Be wise. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Choose your battles wisely, but don't always concede.  Be consistent, whatever you do.

http://thegodfreymethod.com

An Apple a Day - How a kitchen timer can improve family life

Best practices for the pursuit of excellence - ideas for the kitchen timer in family motivation:

If you or your child is having a hard time getting motivated to do school work or chores, set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes and have a challenge to see how much you can accomplish before the timer bell dings. 

It’s great fun to beat the timer and work as fast as possible for a sprint of effort. Now that you’re into the activity, you can continue if you want, or take a short break then reset the timer and try again.

I also like to use a portable kitchen timer (you know the white ones with the dial that turns in a circle, or whatever timer you want) to have “five-minute time” with my children at bedtime. 

Each child has a different night of the week that is just his or hers. 

I sit on my child’s bed and give him or her my undivided attention for 5 full minutes. 

My child can say anything s/he wants with no repercussions. 

I try to keep quiet and let the child lead the conversation.

It’s amazing what 5 minutes of special time does for our parent-child bond, as well as my child’s self-esteem! 

If the conversation is going well, we can go past the 5 minutes, if desired. 

This is a life-saver for a family, making sure each child gets special attention. 

Even as an exhausted mother, I could muster up 5 minutes a night to create a special moment one-on-one.

It really works!

http://thegodfreymethod.com