Why do gifted girls play dumb with their peers?

The author agrees whole-heartedly with the recent study (June 1, 2009) at the University of Wisconsin- Madison- that definitely culture, not biology, accounts for the differences in math performance among men and women. Professors Mertz and Hyde say the data just do not support the stereotype. http://www.cardinal.wisc.edu/article/23150

In fact in elementary school, girls are usually ahead of boys in math. It isn’t until middle school that girls start falling behind. And why, on average, do they fall behind?

Early teen years are when girls begin to realize the patriarchal order that exists in most societies. They begin to see that they are quickly approaching womanhood and what that means in relation to men. They also quickly understand that boys have sensitive egos about being ‘bested’ by girls. So they often downplay their intelligence and physical abilities to win the attention of the boys.

One of my daughters hid her report card and down-played her straight A's in an effort to keep friends. She didn't want to stand out. She was ashamed of her gifted abilities, sad to say. Thankfully, as an adult, she learned to value her good mind.

A woman named Joyce hosted a Japanese businessman’s visit at work, who brought his wife on the trip with him. It was obvious that the wife spoke better English than him, but she held her tongue in his presence. Many cultures subtly- or not so subtly- discourage a female from embarrassing a male in front of others. She has to hide her talents to be accepted. In the name of “respect”, the often better person has to play dumb. Isn’t that sad?

One woman says, “Lucky for me, my 8th grade algebra teacher was a woman, Mrs. Barton, who was also a mother of 4 children. She became my role model. She taught math so well, so understandably, and juggled motherhood, too. From that moment on, I excelled in math, going all the way through calculus in high school.

“Doing well in math spilled over into doing well in physics and chemistry, too. College was the obvious next step. I realized that I didn’t have to give up using my brain to be a mother or give up motherhood to use my brain. Because of Mrs. Barton, I have always excelled at math and science and motherhood.

“And I was the older sister of several boys, so I was used to out-performing males. I had a bit of an ego myself. In fact, I liked to prove that I was smarter and better than most of the males around me. I figured a guy could like me and my intelligence, or I didn’t need him.”

Girls today have more social freedom to choose a professional career than the previous generation did when they were young. However, most of the magazines for girls and women still focus on hair, nails, clothes, and being sexy. So the messages that other women editors in society give to girls, still focus on traditional feminine interests. More of this will be discussed below.

This makes it harder for science and engineering women to get their message heard. The narrow focus to be attractive is stronger than to be intelligent, even in these modern times. Society needs to blend the two. A smart woman can be attractive, and she attracts a better caliber of men.

In this way, it is the social messages that girls get at puberty, not necessarily the hormones, which draw them away from mathematics in the adolescent years.

Why do gifted girls play dumb with their peers?
To tell you the truth, it also has a lot to do with what the magazines and other media push at them. The idea of needing a boyfriend to fit in is everywhere.

The "dating" ideas in teen magazines often rival the porn mags. It takes away their childhood much too young. Many models are young teens and pre-teens dolled up to look older and sexier. What kind of message is that? It seems that some companies will do anything to make a buck.

Those magazines and shows that focus on all the other interests and abilities of girls- instead of being sexy- should be applauded.

Another problem is mothers who promote the objectifying of their daughters. Pride and vanity are very immature needs. It's sad when they come from mother to daughter. The mothers are trying to live through their daughters.

Feminism used to mean, not wanting to be a sex object and wanting equal opportunities. Now it seems to mean, put everything out there for the whole world to see. This is not power. It is not progress (though I'm sure the makers of spring break videos and others are enjoying the show). What happened to the original feminist ideas of self-respect and not being used? How can our daughters be seen as equals in the workplace when they are so willing to be mere decorations? This is not empowerment.

Girls use their bodies to get attention at younger and younger ages. But that's just it - they are being used. They dress like Britney Spears and Madonna for school, which is unfair to the male students and teachers. It also takes the girls' focus away from developing their minds and talents the way they should. They need to become women of substance who contribute to society, not just eye candy, which is fleeting.

All of the conflicting messages create great confusion for our girls. Teenagers and pre-teens don't have the ability to fully understand cause and effect. Science has shown that brain chemistry actually changes after age 18, giving their frontal lobe more ability to project the long-term effects of our choices.

So while our children are adolescents, it is up to us adults to help them see the half-truths out there for what they are. Adults have a responsibility to help them feel their self worth for something beyond looks and boyfriends.

Taking away girls' childhoods is also taking away their future possibilities in adulthood. Keeping themselves free from bad choices now will keep their adulthoods free to be their best selves. Parents need to give their daughters the tools to combat peer pressure. They need to teach them things they can say to their friends to get out of an uncomfortable situation. They need to take time to show them how. They need to help them have the inner strength to be true to themselves, even if it means losing those friends.

Just because society has changed doesn't mean that the natural consequences have changed. Adults need to make sure that our girls know what those consequences are. We need to help steer them toward choices that keep their self-esteem and dignity in the long run, so that they don't change the whole course of their future before they're even old enough to understand what that is.

And moms need to quit living vicariously through their daughters to be sexy and popular. The short-term reward is not worth the long-term cost. Sometimes parents just have to say no to certain media and clothes. Sometimes they just have to do what's best. Their girls will understand later. When they have daughters.

Teen years can be a great time to help your gifted child explore unconventional careers. There are a lot of ideas at http://giftedkids.about.com/od/giftedadolescents/Gifted_Teens.htm to help you help your gifted daughters be proud of their abilities.

Get them involved in Expanding Your Horizons (EYH), which gives hands-on workshops in math and science for girls. I used to be an EYH workshop coordinator and taught girls how to make their own scented lotion. They had fun learning math and chemistry. They saw women mentors in science and engineering. They learned to be proud to be smart! http://www.expandingyourhorizons.org/ and choose your state for local chapters.


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