A good foundation for your child requires an affectionate family environment.
From birth on, children need loving guidance with acceptance of their abilities and sensitivity for their feelings. So, what does affection have to do with intelligence? Just about everything, it turns out. Sue Gerhardt’s book, Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain, is a review of the latest research into the development of the brain.
For instance, a faction of researchers studied the brains of Romanian orphans - children whose caretakers had left them to cry in their cribs from birth and denied them any chance of forming close attachments with an adult. They revealed that these infants had an effective ‘black hole’ where the orbito-frontal cortex should have been.
This is the area of the brain that makes it possible for us to handle our emotions, to connect with sensitivity to other people, to feel pleasure and to appreciate the beauty around us. In reality, this early neglect had left permanent brain damage in the children.
What is the scientific explanation for this? Our earliest experiences are not merely set down as memories, influences, or stimuli. Instead, they are translated into specific neurological blueprints of response in the brain. These nerve pathways become the foundation of the neurological algorithms for how we cope with our feelings, and those of other people, for the remainder of our lives.
Emotional intelligence is obviously affected by neglect and abuse, but so is secular intellect or the ability to learn. Love and affection are essential to brain development in the beginning years of life. Early interactions between babies and their parents have lasting and serious consequences. The earliest relationship shapes the baby’s nervous system and affects the way he or she responds to stress later in life. It also affects the immune system so that emotional isolation or grief can cause physical illness. And it strongly affects memory and learning ability.
I was a foster parent for several years back in the 1980s and saw first-hand that the lack of affection and security in the first few years of life was almost impossible to make up for later. Abuse and neglect re-wire the brain. I have seen, though, that holding an older child or rocking that child on my lap helped heal a lot of the emotional gaps, if not all. Appropriate holding is imperative for children to grow in all areas of development.
The best practice for proactive parents to give their child’s brain its greatest chance possible, is to equate hugs with the child’s age. For example, an infant should be held at least once every hour, unless napping, and held while feeding. A 1-year-old toddler should be hugged or held every hour, too. A 2-year-old should be hugged or held at least once every 2 hours, or a minimum of 8 times in a 16-hour day. A 3-year-old should be hugged or held at least once every 3 hours, or a minimum of 5 times in a 16-hour day. A 4-year-old should be hugged at least once every 4 hours, or a minimum of 4 times in a 16-hour day. A 5- to 6-year-old should be hugged at least 3 times in a day. From 7- to 12-years-old, s/he should be hugged at least twice a day. And from 13- to 18-years-old, s/he should get a hug at least once a day.
The philosophy of letting a child "self-soothe" is a misguided, false idea that creates insecurities and bad habits in our children. Never ignore your child's cries! I am not talking about spoiling a child and indulging every whim. I am talking about comforting your child when s/he needs it. A lot of (but not all) ADD behavior is a child's reaction to his/her environment.
If the child requests more hugs, then give them. You can’t spoil a child with affection and proper holding. That is a backwards idea. Spoiling a child is giving him something he shouldn’t have just because he throws a tantrum. Holding is not spoiling. Compassion makes children stronger, not weaker. Ironically, the children who are held as much as they want usually become very independent, and the children who are pushed away “to be a big boy” usually become very insecure. Many compensate with a superiority complex or need to belittle others.
I found it easiest to get my teenage boys to hug me ‘goodnight’ at bedtime. As children grow, their physical-attention needs diminish as their intellectual-attention needs increase. There comes a time when they’re too big for daddy’s lap, but need his listening ear.
Children will let us know when they need our attention and affection. Wise parents will not push them away, but will hug them and make them feel secure, without “smothering.” Then the children will be able to become their best selves and soar high when it’s their turn to take off on their own. And isn’t that the goal?
Also understand that bullying is not discipline. Some young fathers think they need to toughen-up their children. This is a backwards idea. As Ralph Washington Sockman said, “Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength.”
Would you like some help with parenting? Most states probably have programs similar to Missouri's. The College of Education at the University of Missouri has a wonderful program called ParentLink. Check it out at http://education.missouri.edu/orgs/parentlink/. Another resource is Baby Your Baby, found in most states. In Missouri, see http://www.dhss.mo.gov/babyyourbaby/resources.html
The section on an emotionally-safe environment, found in Chapter 2 of It's Not Rocket Surgery!, will follow in future blogs.
Without these preventatives, the cracks in your child may be bonding/attachment disorder, lack of social skills, defiance disorder, autistic tendencies, low self-esteem, insecurity, childhood depression, low self-confidence, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder or children of rage, lack of imagination, lower IQ, slower learning capacity, and/or poor decision-making skills. You are the key. It’s not rocket surgery!
